In fact, many boys, including myself, may encounter such a situation – I met a girl I am very interested in. This girl may be introduced by a friend, may be in the same circle, or may be directly met on a social platform. After the first “hello” was sent out, we were stuck on the matter of [finding a topic].
I believe that the ice-breaking period is an extremely difficult process in the eyes of many friends, especially for boys who have little experience in dealing with the opposite sex. When they first meet, they don’t know what to talk about or what to say.
Next, I will systematically share with you how to quickly find topics in the initial acquaintance stage and effectively improve the experience and experience of first impression.
This article is for novices, and it talks about very basic things, and the topics discussed are based on love. Experts who specialize in various love fields, please be merciful.
1 Some things you must understand before starting a chat
This paragraph is an explanation of the mentality, and does not contain actual method theory. Friends with more urgent needs can skip and start reading directly from the second section.
1.1 Self-awareness – Many girls say they like boys with a sense of propriety
Before talking about self-awareness, we actually need to reflect on the roots of words such as “lower-headed men” or “ordinary men” that girls often say. These words are very derogatory comments on boys, and girls often make such comments on boys when they just get to know each other.
Boys who get such comments usually make a very fatal mistake in the initial stage. I prefer to call this mistake “crossing the line”.
This is also one of the minefields for most girls, and according to my experience, if you want to vote and rank the behaviors of boys that girls hate the most, crossing the line is likely to be ranked in the top three.
What is crossing the line? I summarize it like this:
Doing inappropriate behavior under an inappropriate identity is crossing the line.
So what are the more typical behaviors of crossing the line? Let’s give a few examples and you will know.
(1) Inappropriate requests and inquiries:
“Look at the photos.”
“You are from Beijing, too, right? Which neighborhood do you live in?”
“Let’s go out for a drink tonight?”
“What do we know? We can get to know each other by drinking together.”
If you ask about the other person’s information recklessly when you just met, it is very impolite and can easily cause the other person to be disgusted. If you have not done the above behaviors, then you can still be saved. However, many people will fall into the next trap.
(2) Random comments and deliberate condescension:
“You look good in the photo, is it photoshopped?”
“You live in Beijing too? Can a little girl like you afford to rent a house in Beijing?”
“I see you’ve just entered society and you probably don’t have much social experience. Sometimes you need to learn some social etiquette. People invite you out for drinks because they think highly of you.”
“Not familiar? I think we’re quite familiar. Why are you being so reserved?”
The above behaviors are all serious mistakes. That is, you deliberately put yourself in a position that you think is very high and communicate with the other party in a condescending manner. This is taboo and is most likely to cause resentment.
When a relationship is at the beginning stage, we strongly discourage random comments on the other party. Even if it is a compliment, I think you need to think twice before you act.
(3) Digging into the root of a problem and checking the household registration
“How old are you?”
“Where are you from?”
“What’s your zodiac sign?”
“Where did you go to college?”
“What do you do?”
“Which department?”
“How much do you earn a month?”
This is also a mistake that many people make. Although this behavior is not as bad as the previous two examples, it is not advisable to blindly check the household registration and dig into the root of a problem. In fact, it is okay to ask these questions separately, but you cannot pile up a bunch of questions and ask them continuously.
The reason why checking the household registration causes disgust is that it comes from the disgust generated by constant questioning.
Okay, back to the topic. We just shared three typical cross-border behaviors. After going around in circles, we just want to remind everyone that self-positioning is a very important thing. In short, it is “having a sense of propriety.”
Does not crossing the line mean having a sense of propriety?
No, a sense of propriety is not not making mistakes, but a state, a habit, or even a state of mind.
The key to mastering the sense of propriety lies in:
(1) Look at yourself objectively
Don’t be proud of your wealth, and don’t be discouraged by your hidden talents.
Whether you are the boss of a listed company or a security guard with a monthly salary of 3,000 yuan, as long as you decide to get in touch with that girl, you should not attach unnecessary emotions.
These emotions include but are not limited to the arrogance and inferiority mentioned above, as well as your doubts, concerns, entanglements, and hesitations about your own personality and experience.
Because you have decided to get in touch with her, before getting in touch with her, you can of course be entangled and calculate whether you are worthy of her or whether she is suitable for you, but as long as you decide to get along, don’t be fussy.
Look at your own strengths objectively and understand your own shortcomings objectively.
For example, if you are a 1.76-meter-tall office worker in a third-tier city with a monthly salary of about 7,000 yuan, then from an objective perspective, your actual conditions in your living environment are actually above the average level. Don’t let your height not exceed 1.8 meters or your salary not exceed 10,000 yuan or something like that make you crazy. You are you, and your current conditions cannot be changed in the short term.
It is enough for you to know your own situation.
Of course, you should not be complacent and think that you are good enough.
(2) Look at others objectively
To be honest, I will also be very nervous when facing beautiful women. I can say responsibly that if my blind date was Zhang Ruonan, I would definitely be so nervous that I would be speechless!
This is human nature. When we face beautiful things, we can’t help but look up, but this emotion is theoretically not recommended because it will give rise to another terrible problem – licking.
Many boys will unconsciously reduce their relationship to a goddess and admirer relationship in their love experience. To put it bluntly, it is the relationship of Feiyangyang and Meiyangyang, which is often mentioned in online chats. The origin of this unhealthy relationship is often because the boys over-beautify the girls in their minds.
This will also lead to the second more serious hidden danger. After we add too many filters to girls, the objects we get along with often become “the one we imagine”, and this situation often lasts for a long time and even continues after the relationship ends. Once in the process of fantasy, the object girl does something that violates your fantasy personality, it will cause a great sense of gap and unreality.
I think the above situation is very undesirable and unhealthy, and I strongly recommend that everyone pay attention to it.
Of course, love that is too rational loses its original meaning. Admiration, expectation and fantasy are indeed the root of the sweetness of love. So please look at this suggestion dialectically. In theory, we advocate rationality. Emotionally, I also encourage you to love as much as you can. As for how to find a better balance, it depends on your own awareness.
(3) Recognize and respect differences
You may like reading, and she may be keen on online dramas and variety shows.
You have your hobbies, and she has her habits. The so-called three views are compatible or not, which does not mean that you and I must have the same personality, temper, hobbies and habits. Completely the same is called a clone.
What is the compatibility of three views? It means that you know that she likes to watch variety shows, but you will not say that what she reads is not nutritious. It means that she knows that you like to read, but she will not say that you are pretending to be literary.
This is especially important for two people who have just met. In the initial contact, we will definitely express our interests and hobbies to each other. At this time, we must respect other people’s preferences and behaviors.
Never casually question behaviors that you do not understand.
For example, I once met a girl who clearly expressed her “unfilial piety” during our conversations, and even repeatedly criticized her parents and family of origin. Many people who believe that filial piety is the most important virtue may criticize this girl’s views without thinking.
But in fact, I do not recommend that you do this, because this is her point of view, and we have not experienced her life, so we cannot empathize with why others have such thoughts. Therefore, if you and I are just acquainted and not even friends, we should not point fingers at other people’s opinions. (Except in extreme cases, such as opinions that harm ourselves or others, we still need to stop them in time, and there is no such thing as respect or disrespect.)
In short:
Non-interference is the greatest respect for others.
(4) Maintain sufficient politeness
I will not waste time on this point. Combined with the content of the first half of the article, it actually emphasizes the requirement of politeness.
(5) Maintain your own self. Respect is not flattery.
We need to be humble, but we should not be too humble. Being polite and enthusiastic is right, while being humble and flattering is wrong.
Respect is not flattery. We should not give up our own principles and bottom line for respect. Some friends like whatever a girl they just met likes and cater to whatever she likes to talk about in order to please her.
I think this is also unhealthy. For example, I like to watch Dragon Ball and she likes to watch Legend of Zhen Huan. I will never watch Legend of Zhen Huan seriously just to cater to her preferences! It’s too brain-burning! I can’t understand it at all!
We should maintain our own three views instead of overly accommodating the other person just to cater to the girl.
If you are not used to drinking red wine or wearing a tuxedo, you don’t have to pretend to be elegant as she said, otherwise you will only lose yourself.
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